The Hard Truth

It has come to many of our attentions lately that North Hills in all actuality is being run by a fascist regime. We're full aware that people have been saying this for quite a while now, but it hasn't been until recently that we've realized this is completely true. The pretty scary parallels are listed below:

1. Powerful and Continuing Nationalism - A school pledge and a sad attempt at a school song have been enforced on us in the past few years, as has the changing of our school name to ensure affiliation with our Uplift Education rulers.

2. Disdain for the Recognition of Human Rights/Obsession with Crime and Punishment - What happens when you refuse to conform to the expectations set forth by the administration? That's right, they punish you. They shout at you, boss you around, confiscate your property. Our rulers don't wan't to help us; they just want to put us in our place. Don't even bother trying to consult the handbook, that'll just make them even angrier.

3. Identification of Enemies/Scapegoats as a Unifying Cause - IB students are the most prized possessions of our leaders. AP students are the bane of their existence and should be eliminated at all costs.

4. Controlled Mass Media/Disdain for Intellectuals and the Arts - You know those pictures on the desktop of every single computer? Yeah, I'm pretty sure those kids aren't smiling by choice. The people in charge are systematically shutting down and blocking any and all useful functions of the school computers. They've even create a ban category called music appreciation. That's right; our leaders are afraid you might be trying to culture yourself.

5. Obsession with National Security - We are forced to wear IDs and walk all the way to the other side of the school in freezing cold weather just to get inside the building? It's because nothing noteworthy has ever or will ever happen at our school.

6. Rampant Cronyism and Corruption/Fraudulent Elections - All that is required of our teachers to keep their jobs is to kiss up to the administration. Never mind the hate they've acquired from students, that is completely unimportant. Need proof? Mr, Hurvitz received a freaking trophy the other day. Mr. Hurvitz. Got a trophy. I've never heard a student speak highly of him. Ever.

7. Labor Power is Suppressed - Our administrators are continually shutting down on our freedoms. They lock us into concentration halls and advisories and herd us through the building like sheep. They've even attempted to predetermine our paths through the 100 hallway.

I think this provides ample evidence to support our apparently not so radical claims.

I Love Movies

Well as you're probably aware of by now, I'm rather fond of making lists. Seeing as I've been watching a butt-load of movies lately, I thought I'd start cataloging the noteworthy ones. Below I've divided them into three sections (for now) of awesomnesss: the insane plot twist, total mind ****, and just pure win. It's kind of late right now, so I think I'll just gradually update this post with write-ups for each of these movies and why they are on this list.

Plot Twist (holy **** did that just happen?!):

The Game

The Usual Suspects

Fight Club

The Shawshank Redemption

Inglorious Basterds

(500) Days of Summer

Mind **** (movies that just hurt to think about):

Primer - This movie shows just how freaking' confusing time travel is when done right. I've spent probably well over an hour reading explanations about the plot/s and I still find it confusing. That's not to say that this movie too poorly made to be fully comprehended, however. I think it might actually be too well made for us mere humans to catch all of the nuances.

Memento - Christopher Nolan is the man. Telling the story of a man with no memory backwards is one of the awesomest ideas of all time. Somehow with all of the confusion and mind-screwing throughout the film, Nolan still managed to find the perfect way to say "**** you" to all of our brains in that incredible ending. Or was it the beginning?

Dark City

The Prestige

Apocalypse Now

2001: A Space Odyssey - Though pretty much the entirety of 2001 is incredibly tame, that didn't stop the directors from shoving in one of the weirdest things ever put on film. I mean it's not even confusing; it just makes you stare at your tv screen with a giant "What. The. ****." pasted to your face.

Just Plain Win (kinda self explanatory):

Pulp Fiction

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

The Bourne Trilogy

The Lord of the Rings Trilogy

No Country for Old Men

Gladiator

Funny Stuff (pretty self explanatory, too):

Airplane! - Dry humor at it's best. Everything is just so blatantly, yet unabashingly stupid. That's probably why I love it so much. The fact that there's hardly an actual laugh in the entire movie just adds to the awesomeness.

Monty Python and the Holy Grail

The Big Lebowski

School of Rock

Spaceballs

Soft Squares

I like Kleenex. I like it quite a bit, in fact; the way its soft, silky texture just whisks away my snot without any complaints, the perfectly sized tissues that manage to hold a lot more that they the probably should, the lovely flower crested boxes that make you feel oh so feminine... Okay, so maybe I'm getting a little carried away here, but still, a Kleenex would never harm me in any way, and that's definitely not something a paper towel could say. And I should know. After using nothing but paper towels to stop the snot bubbles from forming for an entire period today, the bottom of my nose was completely red and now even the soft touch of a Kleenex does little to help it out. I guess that's better than what I had available during soccer practice, though. My shirt probably weighed a couple pounds heavier after that debacle was all said and done. I will never take Kleenex for granted again!

However, as much as you may wish they were, those tough situations where a soft tissue is nowhere to be found are unavoidable. To help you survive those rare but desperate times, I've compiled the nice list of possible alternatives below:

1. Non-name-brand tissues - losses some points for unfamiliarity, but should serve your purposes just as well.
2. Your own toilet paper - I'm assuming you like the touch of soft things to your butt, so toilet paper should be a pretty nice alternative if you're out of tissues at home
   
3. Your friend - placement doesn't really matter (just make sure it's not too obscene), so just try to finish the job before they notice
4. Public toilet toilet paper - probably not as nice as your own, but at least it comes in large amounts and next to a makeshift trash can
   
5. Paper towels - these really suck and are almost guaranteed to be at least a thousand times too coarse, but at least they're disposable
6. Your sleeve - you're getting desperate and there's no alternative other than losing your nose; I think there's really no choice
   
7. Your nekkid body - apparently you're both naked and in the middle of nowhere... blowing your nose is probably the least of your concerns
8. Sandpaper - don't really want to know why you're using sandpaper to wipe your face, but I'm sure it's far from pleasant
9. A concrete wall - I'm imagining if you find your face against a wall it's not there by choice, but hey, at least you'll leave some snot behind to keep the blood company