Soft Squares

I like Kleenex. I like it quite a bit, in fact; the way its soft, silky texture just whisks away my snot without any complaints, the perfectly sized tissues that manage to hold a lot more that they the probably should, the lovely flower crested boxes that make you feel oh so feminine... Okay, so maybe I'm getting a little carried away here, but still, a Kleenex would never harm me in any way, and that's definitely not something a paper towel could say. And I should know. After using nothing but paper towels to stop the snot bubbles from forming for an entire period today, the bottom of my nose was completely red and now even the soft touch of a Kleenex does little to help it out. I guess that's better than what I had available during soccer practice, though. My shirt probably weighed a couple pounds heavier after that debacle was all said and done. I will never take Kleenex for granted again!

However, as much as you may wish they were, those tough situations where a soft tissue is nowhere to be found are unavoidable. To help you survive those rare but desperate times, I've compiled the nice list of possible alternatives below:

1. Non-name-brand tissues - losses some points for unfamiliarity, but should serve your purposes just as well.
2. Your own toilet paper - I'm assuming you like the touch of soft things to your butt, so toilet paper should be a pretty nice alternative if you're out of tissues at home
   
3. Your friend - placement doesn't really matter (just make sure it's not too obscene), so just try to finish the job before they notice
4. Public toilet toilet paper - probably not as nice as your own, but at least it comes in large amounts and next to a makeshift trash can
   
5. Paper towels - these really suck and are almost guaranteed to be at least a thousand times too coarse, but at least they're disposable
6. Your sleeve - you're getting desperate and there's no alternative other than losing your nose; I think there's really no choice
   
7. Your nekkid body - apparently you're both naked and in the middle of nowhere... blowing your nose is probably the least of your concerns
8. Sandpaper - don't really want to know why you're using sandpaper to wipe your face, but I'm sure it's far from pleasant
9. A concrete wall - I'm imagining if you find your face against a wall it's not there by choice, but hey, at least you'll leave some snot behind to keep the blood company