Thought Process

The first thing that popped into my head after hearing about recent events at North Hills: "Wow, that sounds like some poorly conceived, Latin-American military coup." The second thing: Dumbledore's Army.

Studying

Disclaimer: The views and topicality of the following paragraphs are derived from real

conversations with my fellow classmates and are not the sole work of myself. They contain

distasteful jokes and quite possibly a tad bit too much information.

First, it has been unanimously decided that naming children after the books of the Bible, while hilarious, would ultimately not turn out too well. Naming your kid Yahweh could potentially be even worse. Oldies name, such as Ruth, Roger and Ethel, as well as just plain sucky ones, such as Belinda, can be thrown out, too. Pretty much every other name you can think of besides those of friends and relatives should be good to go. Heck, even random nouns should work if applied properly.

Next, me and That Guy have arrived at the conclusion that the two most recent earthquakes were merely the aftershocks of our earth-shattering socratic seminar about The Road Not Taken we had earlier this year. I would like to take this time to apologize for these tragic, unforeseen consequences of our literature-analyzing awesomeness.

Sex on the beach is a definite no go. Even a well placed towel probably isn't going to stop sand and salt water getting crammed up there. Though if you like genital infections, feel free to go right ahead and do it. There is also the very real possibility of getting actually crabs. Yes, I mean those giant king-size Alaskan ones. Though I guess you could be slightly more fortunate and merely have a small hermit crab make your privates its new home. Sex on a hammock is probably unwise, as well, for there is both the entrapping cross-stitched patterns to watch out for and also the disorienting rocking motion for which they are known. Me and my fellow crazy firmly believe that, given the proper training from some nekkid natives, we could sufficiently master the art of hammock love making. As of this time, however, skeptics still remain undecided on the matter.

The Hard Truth

It has come to many of our attentions lately that North Hills in all actuality is being run by a fascist regime. We're full aware that people have been saying this for quite a while now, but it hasn't been until recently that we've realized this is completely true. The pretty scary parallels are listed below:

1. Powerful and Continuing Nationalism - A school pledge and a sad attempt at a school song have been enforced on us in the past few years, as has the changing of our school name to ensure affiliation with our Uplift Education rulers.

2. Disdain for the Recognition of Human Rights/Obsession with Crime and Punishment - What happens when you refuse to conform to the expectations set forth by the administration? That's right, they punish you. They shout at you, boss you around, confiscate your property. Our rulers don't wan't to help us; they just want to put us in our place. Don't even bother trying to consult the handbook, that'll just make them even angrier.

3. Identification of Enemies/Scapegoats as a Unifying Cause - IB students are the most prized possessions of our leaders. AP students are the bane of their existence and should be eliminated at all costs.

4. Controlled Mass Media/Disdain for Intellectuals and the Arts - You know those pictures on the desktop of every single computer? Yeah, I'm pretty sure those kids aren't smiling by choice. The people in charge are systematically shutting down and blocking any and all useful functions of the school computers. They've even create a ban category called music appreciation. That's right; our leaders are afraid you might be trying to culture yourself.

5. Obsession with National Security - We are forced to wear IDs and walk all the way to the other side of the school in freezing cold weather just to get inside the building? It's because nothing noteworthy has ever or will ever happen at our school.

6. Rampant Cronyism and Corruption/Fraudulent Elections - All that is required of our teachers to keep their jobs is to kiss up to the administration. Never mind the hate they've acquired from students, that is completely unimportant. Need proof? Mr, Hurvitz received a freaking trophy the other day. Mr. Hurvitz. Got a trophy. I've never heard a student speak highly of him. Ever.

7. Labor Power is Suppressed - Our administrators are continually shutting down on our freedoms. They lock us into concentration halls and advisories and herd us through the building like sheep. They've even attempted to predetermine our paths through the 100 hallway.

I think this provides ample evidence to support our apparently not so radical claims.